ever since I was a kid I've been glued to television. It was/is my drug. My addiction of sorts. It meant more to me than the world at one point in my life. Watching it meant skipping school, feigning illnesses from fever to the poops, and, well, creating a fantasy world where my life ended and a new, and better, life began.
carol burnett was the first I can remember. how was she standing in los angeles on a stage talking but she was also in our family room at harmony road in hallstead, pennsylvania? celebrities didn't come to hallstead. it was a town of about 800 people back then. but they did. through tv. it was magical. she could make you laugh out loud or cry, or clap, or dream, wish you could be there in person seeing and hearing it all with everyone else in that lucky audience. my bedroom was right above the family room. i could hear her through the vent in the bedroom floor. 10pm on friday i think. i know it was late and staying up to watch her was
forbidden.
once i got older, and my problems grew bigger along with me, i turned to more sophisticated means of distraction; soap operas. both daytime and prime time. daytime was the young and the restless and prime time was dallas. oh and knots landing, and then came dynasty. i knew the morning schedule down pat. wake up and 9am was donahue. oh how i wanted to be on donahue. he was the coolest. i never really felt he let people talk all the time, nor did i like how he seemed to lecture people every now and then, but i loved how you never knew what some dork in the audience was going to say. where else could i see cher? then at 10am it was time for game shows. price is right was at 11am. i don't remember the filler between 10 and 11am. at noon it was the news. action news. wbng tv. odd how i ended up working there more than a decade later.
at 12:30 it began. first i think it was the edge of night or somethng, then the young and the restless, followed by as the world turns and guiding light. at four pm it was talk show time. first i think dina shore, or was it that other guy? michael douglas? no. mike something. i can see him. dark hair, combed over. mike....i'll think of it..
i would lose myself. all my problems went away. my mother's alcoholism, my sister's rage, my father's denial, my fear of myself for being gay, being bullied, the arguments, the anger. it was gone. i couldn't shoot up fast enough. it was my heroin. i hear clients talk about that rush of getting high and i laugh to myself. i knew that feeling. i knew the devastation it could bring as well. life is going on while the tv is going on except it's not a rehearsal. that time is gone. that hour is now the past. it's gone never to be repeated.
i guess it's easier to escape then face things. or is it that sometimes you just don't know what the hell to do? or is it that we need comfort? i needed a schedule. i needed something i could rely on every single day. i lived in what felt like chaos at the time. no schedule to mom's drinking. no schedule to the arguing. i needed one. my tv gave that to me. sitting in that dark green leather, pleather recliner in front of that tv made me feel in control. needless to say i hated special announcements. i remember the day reagan was shot and it came on tv. i think it interrupted one of my soaps. i was livid. can't this wait? is this news that important to lose a scene from yandr forever?
to this day i'm addicted to tv. not as much as before. certain shows. certain soap operas. but two kids and a husband have a lot of drama on their own. i've found new drugs to take the place of old ones. new distractions from the truth.
more later. so much more inside.
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