A family member (someone whom I have had a very tremultuous relationship with) sent me a text this past New Year's Day that I've been thinking a lot about. The gist of the text was that they felt it was time to "leave the past behind us," or, "forget about the past." What has been a 40 year trip down one hell of a bad road was now to be "forgotten?" That got me thinking.
I've had many clients come into my office and tell stories of how they were hurt, deeply hurt, by someone in the past. The event may have happened minutes, days, years or decades ago, but it still "hurt." It was still affecting them in some way, shape or form. How they dealt with it, or didn't deal with it, is what would ultimately bring them into therapy.
Many times they would relate the story of how family members would say, "forget about the past." "You must forgive and forget." That kind of thing. I hate it. I absolutely hate that expression. I think whoever invented it must have caused tremendous pain to other people in their lives. As it strikes me as being the perfect out, escape, get out of jail free card if you will, to deal with the pain that they have caused others throughout their lives. What healthy person who is recalling a happy memory says, "Oh, forget about the past. It's behind us.?" No. Not in your right mind. But, yet, we should forget the negative past? Not so fast.
First of all how does someone forget something that happened? You just forget that you were abused, neglected, hurt, abandoned, angry, alone, frightened, taken advantage of, raped, molested? Yep, that's what people would have you do to cope with it; forget it ever happened? If only it weren't that easy. It's not only not easy; it's asinine.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for not letting the past effect our lives today. I'm all for remembering the past and learning from it. If we forget something how do we learn from it? I don't think we can. That's why I think it's important to remember, honor, cherish, and recall the past most every day. The past is the past. It happened. It shouldn't be forgotten. It shouldn't be thrown away as thought it never occurred. What happened; happened. It was real. The feelings were real. What was said, done, not said or not done was real. It really happened. Don't let some asshole that caused you pain tell you to forget it. That's what I'm saying.
My text back to my family member was that yes, I agreed we should start anew, but that I wanted us to stop reliving the past; not forget it. That's what is so difficult for me to do. How do I forget the past and let go of it when I, and others in my life, keep reliving it by making the same mistakes over and over and over and over again? How do I forget the past when I keep living and making choices as though I'm still the 14 year old kid who's father said, "you're an asshole, you're nothing, you're a piece of shit and I wish you were never born?" That's what one of my clients was doing. He was rageful at his father. Hated the man. But, in session, he would say he loved his father. He was still treating himself as though he hated himself. But, he had "forgotten" the past. "Left' it," behind him. No. Sorry. Every time he would talk about himself he would find something to pick at, some flaw, something that he saw as wrong. I finally asked him one day during a session, "how are you not reliving the past with your father when you say things about yourself that only your father would say?" He seemed to admit that I had a point; but sadly, he never came back.
I think it's imperative to forgive others for what happened in the past; including if not most importantly, ourselves. But forgiving isn't about forgetting. Forgiving is moving on and moving forward; letting go. Forgetting is called amnesia. I used to call forgiveness the "F" word in groups because people used to go ballistic when they heard it. But, I'll do another past about forgiveness. It's a whoooole other story.
And so it goes....the past. Learn from it, don't run from it. Remember it, honor it, cherish it, change yourself as a result of it in a powerful, positive, way. If we forget the past, someone said, I think this is what they said anyway, then we are doomed to repeat it.
In the end my family member said she couldn't agree more with what I had said. Now let's just see if we can truly stop reliving the past. It sure ain't easy.....
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