Forgiveness....

Forgiveness is a toughie. It's a loaded word for many people, a seemingly unreachable thing to others, and untouchable to a chosen few. Mention it to someone who has been really hurt and you're likely to see a fireworks display that you don't really want to see or hear.

It seems like to a lot of people forgiveness means; something that hurt me is okay, it make what someone did to me okay, it's a stamp of approval, it means they got away with it, it means that they aren't being held accountable for it anymore; that they will do it again to someone if I stop punishing them for it, that I'm giving in and accept that what they did to me was right, okay, not a problem, acceptable, that I'll forget what happened to me and it will happen again and I can't let that happen, that I'm weak, vulnerable, and scared. I think that about covers it. That's what I've heard from many, many, people from crack whore's and drug dealers, to moms and dads, paranoid schizophrenics, to 17 year old girls,  and 45 year old singers. 

The truth is; forgiveness means nothing of the sort. Forgiving someone isn't about the other person; it's about me. It's about my feelings, attitudes, behaviors, life, needs, wants, anger, joy, rage....it's about me. It's about letting go of the pain, letting go of having to relive the painful experience over and over and over again. It's about gaining true control over my life - not just being a control freak trying to do the undoable which is to control everyone and and everything, but that's another post.

Think about it. Someone does something that hurts me. Let's say I was abused as a child. Emotionally abused, mentally and physically abused by a parent. Let's say it was my Dad. It all happened when I was about 5 years old, until I was about 12 or so when I got big enough to fight back. I was ashamed of being abused. I couldn't tell a single living soul. Let's say that Dad would always tell me I'm stupid, worthless, dumb, fucked up, screw up, can't do anything right. I started to believe it. He would remind me that he wished I was never born, hated the day I was brought home, hated my mother for getting pregnant in the first place. I was the dark sheep of the family. The loser. The one who just could do no good. I started to act like it. If I did something wrong I was beaten with a belt, or spanked, as he called it. I would strip down to my underwear alone in my room and wait for him to come and hit me with his belt as many times as he felt I needed. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. It was humiliating. Everyone in the family knew. My other brothers and sisters. They all knew. We talked about it; but told no one else. Mom? She knew too. She'd even stop him when my screaming got too loud and she thought he had crossed the line. It was too little; too late.

Sound familiar?

Fast forward. I'm not 35 years old, I hate my job, my wife and I argue constantly, I got married because I had to (she got pregnant); not really because I wanted too. I'm not a happy person per say, I drink quite a bit. My dead end job isn't what I wanted because I had to drop out of school when my wife got pregnant. I'm overweight, smoke, and have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I'm kind of a doormat in that takes a lot for me to get upset and do or say anything about something to anyone. I can fall asleep on a dime; but can't stay asleep for long. I can't afford to lose my job so I let my boss take advantage of me. My wife uses words like loser, wimp, coward, to describe me during our fights. Our fights haven't gotten really physical but I have pushed her and shoved her away from me. Oh, and if you mention my father I say something like, yeah, he was rough on me as a kid, but I'm over it. It's no big. My mother is a hero. She can do no wrong. She saved me. People say we are as close as a mother and son should be. I have no anger towards her at all.

No big? Over it? I've heard it dozens of times. When I mention forgiving the father I usually get a strong reaction of either shut the hell up, that's ridiculous, or are you kidding me? Then I ask, how is treating yourself so badly and living a life of hell paying your father back for what he did to you? Aren't you abusing yourself as much as your father could only hope to have abused you? Every time you think to yourself that you're a stupid, no good, loser, piece of shit, you are replaying the abuse of your father all over again except it happened 20 years ago. How is robbing yourself of a happy meaningful life proving your father wrong? Or are you proving him right? Is it working? Doesn't look like anything that you're doing is working to me. Then, they get it.

Forgiveness is about moving forward, beyond, from the past; not forgetting it, but learning from it.

How do we forgive?